My past .

I should be in bed by now due to my training early next morning , but just couldnt get myself to sleep. Things have been going on in my mind and I've lots to say but on second thoughts , writing that one post might affect someone, so i've shelved that idea for the time being . Instead, reading through my past blog posts amuse me and I realised that time really flies . It was just a second ago that everything on good old earth seemed so plain simple and naive to me while in the next second im fretting over my poor results, how I am gonna cope with o levels next year and so much more. See the thing is, this has been really a hectic year for me . And in a postive or negative way im not sure . I used to suffer from something called inferiority complex. Where I would question myself everyday why was I born to be ugly and with a body chock full of lard. I would plead with god to make me insanely beautiful one day and perhaps discover that a thousand of guys have been secretly in love with me all the time. But I had this thought, since I am not beautiful and weigh marginarly under the overweight category, people would start to despise me. So, I thought that the only thing that could save me was to be amiable, be kind and hold no grudges towards anybody. To be always cheerful and positive on the outside. I wanted people to like me in personailty wise. I would be so delighted when someone confides in me. Really silly but yeah at least I am important to someone for that period of time. However I would cry almost everyday at home till there was a point I suspected I was suffering from depression and death seemed appealing. At that point i wished I had the courage to run out to the road, get banged by a car and get over with life. Then the turning point of my life came. It was a week before my dragon boat race. My coach spoke to the whole team regarding health aspects , including what to eat and what not . It was then he pinpointed me and said I should cut down on my diet. It hit me hard. It was so humiliating to be indirectly be called fat futhermore it was me and only me , a girl among so many of the other guys too. I sat there, burried my head in my bag and cried bitterly, it was a wonder that I didnt suffer from heat stroke . I made up my mind to change . I ran around the park every week , with the fastest runner in my school at that point of time. I would only eat a meal or none at all sometimes . I delibrately starve on days when I have training so that I could burn more calories. I reborned all my disgusting waves and bought new smaller-sized clothes . And then you have it, I was a complete changed person. My friends couldnt recognise who I was at the start of secondary 2. It felt so good and it was probably the best thing that happened to me . That is why I have a urge to to help oversized people reduce weight . Im not mocking at them nor despising them . But I would always recall how dire I felt back then . I wonder if they feel the same way too. Woooo this is by far the longest post i've written in a long time, hope my english is not too poor ! Im not sure if any would want to read this chunk of words. But those who managed, could you please comment about this entry on my formspring. And tell me if this is too boring or should I continue with the story of my secondary 2 and 3 life? Thanks alot !!